the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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