I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
