I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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