he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
