Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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