we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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