any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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