he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
