Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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