Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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