yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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