dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
