Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
