omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
