The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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