This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
