my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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