My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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