wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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