My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
