They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
