he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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