Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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