i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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