It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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