trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
