Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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