If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
