i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
