I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
