He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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