Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
