bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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