My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
