He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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