I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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