her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
