It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
