I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
