Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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