she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
