Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
