god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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