The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
