OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
