Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
