i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
