Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He better not be in your backpack
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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