Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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