You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
