Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Houston, we have a blender
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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